Fear of Intimacy in Relationships and Marriage
Have you experienced fears in your relationships? As people engage in romantic relationships, many often display some fears, such as fear of commitment, fear of trusting others, fear of rejection, fear of shame, fear of betrayal, fear of being misunderstood, and even fear of losing control over their emotions. The reality is that fear can undermine a relationship and prevent it from growing and thriving in intimacy. This blog will help you explore the fear of intimacy in relationships, including marriage.
Identify Your Fear
Becoming aware of your fear of intimacy and taking control of it is the first step to build a meaningful intimate relationship. A powerful definition of intimacy is found in these six words, intimacy is to know and to be known. This means that intimacy is a two-way street. It means that you must be willing to open yourself up and allow the other person to know you on a deeper level and vice-versa. Naturally, the deeper self-disclosure that is required for real intimacy can create fears such as What if I share, and then I’m rejected? What if I am judged? What if what I share is used against me?
Fears can affect your emotional and mental intimacy with your spouse in a variety of ways. For instance, if you fear being perceived as someone who is not smart enough, you may avoid expressing your thoughts and may feel small when your spouse disagrees with you. Additionally, if you fear rejection, you may find it difficult to express your true feelings and use “I” statements with your spouse.
Understand What Real Intimacy Is
Real intimacy is a multidimensional experience. Yes, it is holistic because it involves all areas of a person’s life. In marriage, intimacy needs to be synchronized and harmonized emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. Why? Because it is a connection of your heart, mind, body, and soul with your spouse’s heart, mind, body, and soul. The more you are holistically and fearlessly in tune with your spouse, the higher the level of satisfaction in your relationship.
Since real intimacy is multifaceted, fears have no positive role in the development of an intimate relationship. On the contrary, they suck the life out of the relationship and damage it from the moment it starts. For instance, consider the fear of commitment. It usually manifests itself as an avoidance to take the next step in a relationship. This could be seen in one’s avoidance of becoming engaged or getting married.
Move from Fear to Real Intimacy
From a conservative Christian perspective, marriage is a life-long commitment that requires mutual trust. These two elements help the couple display empathy and acceptance towards each other. Freedom from the fear of commitment is exemplified when couples come before their pastor or minister and make a pledge to take each other as husband and wife. They fearlessly promise “to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.”
The increase of cohabitation may be a reflection of increased fear of commitment, which means that cohabitation does not imply a commitment like “till death do us part.” Additionally, fear of commitment may be keeping couples from experiencing higher levels of relationship satisfaction. According to The Pew Research Center, “married adults have higher levels of relationship satisfaction and trust than those living with an unmarried partner.” Interesting, isn’t it?
The fear of intimacy can be a real threat to your marriage. Fears are often based on negative past experiences which can prevent you from experiencing deep intimacy in the present. In fact, a study shows that people who grew up with divorced or unhappy parents and received negative messages about romantic relationships and marriages may have negative views towards relationships and marriage. Therefore, addressing these fears is an essential step to healing and building a stronger multidimensional intimacy.
The Bible says, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love” (1 John 4:18 NIV). A good place to start might be discussing your fears with a Christian counselor. If you are struggling with fear of intimacy in your marriage, going to a Christian marriage counselor can be the beginning of a transformation in your relationship. You can say goodbye to your fear of intimacy in your relationships, including your marriage. Show your love to your spouse without fear.
Our prayer is that you will move from fear to real intimacy.
Drs. Elias & Denise Moitinho
Check out our YouTube Videos on Intimacy in Marriage