HEALTHY VS UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
Healthy relationships are different from unhealthy relationships. Do you want to enjoy your healthy relationships and avoid unhealthy relationships? In this article, we will examine some characteristics of healthy and unhealthy relationships and ways to prevent it.
By the way, the elements discussed in this article can apply to various interpersonal relationships, such as friendships, romantic relationships, or marriage. Because no one is perfect and everyone is on a journey to learn more about how to relate better to others, there is the potential for destructive behaviors and bad habits to develop in any relationship.
Now, let’s look at some characteristics of healthy and unhealthy relationships.
TRUST vs. MISTRUST
Trust is a foundational aspect of any successful relationship. People in healthy relationships are authentic. They are honest and share from the heart, which allows trust to grow in the relationship. Consequently, people develop trust in each other even when they may have different values and perspectives. Conversely, in unhealthy relationships, there is mistrust. People do not trust each other, and they may even become jealous and sabotage the relationship because they fear intimacy.
EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION vs. POOR COMMUNICATION
Communication is vital in every relationship. People in healthy relationships communicate clearly and respectfully. They may be assertive but are not aggressive. They are aware of the content (what they say) and the process (how they say it). Additionally, they also practice good listening. As a result, they connect emotionally.
In unhealthy relationships, communication is poor, and often the messages are sent in a demeaning and hostile tone. Unfortunately, poor communication tends to create verbally abusive relationships. John Gottman, the famous marriage researcher, identified four negative patterns of communication that he called The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. These four patterns are predictors of divorce and include criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, and you can read more about it in the book Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage.
MUTUAL RESPECT vs. CONTROL
People in healthy relationships respect each other’s thoughts, opinions, feelings, and preferences. As a result, people are free to make their own decisions and express their individuality.
On the other hand, in toxic relationships, people tend to display higher levels of manipulation and control. They can become abusive emotionally and even physically. The National Center on Domestic Violence provides The Power and Control Wheel to show the various types of control and manipulation used by abusers.
FORGIVENESS vs. HOLDING GRUDGES
No one is perfect, so, unfortunately, people will hurt each other emotionally, even unintentionally. Therefore, forgiveness is essential in relationships. We believe that forgiveness is the catalyst that can restore relationships. When you forgive, you are promising not to hold the offense against your friend or spouse. You also promise not to bring it up. Mature people practice forgiveness daily, as the Bible says, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32 NIV).
Forgiveness is multidimensional. It is mental, emotional, relational, and spiritual. It is mental because the decision is “I choose not to hold this offense against you.” It is emotional because it helps deal with the emotional hurt, pain, and releases resentment and bitterness. It is relational because it creates the opportunity for reconciliation when you or your loved one verbalize the powerful words “I forgive you.” It is spiritual because it is a central element in the Christian faith. God commands us to forgive as He gave us the example of how to forgive (Eph. 4:32).
Forgiveness does not mean that you become a doormat. It does not mean that there are no consequences for people’s sins and offenses against others. You can still set boundaries in relationships. Finally, forgiveness does not remove the consequences of misbehavior in society, relationships, or marriage. We discuss it in our book The Dream Home: How to Create an Intimate Christian Marriage.
Unfortunately, in toxic relationships, people hold grudges and resent each other. Consequently, it creates separation, and as a result, people become emotionally disconnected. In addition, holding grudges is detrimental to our spiritual and mental health.
AGAPE LOVE vs. CONDITIONAL LOVE
Agape love creates the environment for healthy relationships. Agape love is altruistic, selfless, and other-focused. It is not self-seeking (1 Cor. 13:5 NIV), and it does not have an attitude of “it’s all about me.” Therefore, when Agape love is present, there will be a genuine desire to care for and nurture each other.
Toxic relationships are conditional. They send individualistic and selfish messages, such as “I’ll love you if you do something for me, if you behave a certain way if you talk or dress a certain way.” The truth is that no one is perfect. Therefore, we all need to grow in “Agape” love.
Remember, we were created for relationships. However, because we live in a sinful and fallen world, many relationships are unhealthy. Knowing the differences between healthy vs unhealthy relationships can help you enrich your relationships and avoid toxic ones.
Watch our video Healthy vs Unhealthy Relationships – Healthy vs Toxic to learn more.
Elias Moitinho, PhD and Denise Moitinho, PhD